When Love is True

It starts like waves crashing onto shore, gently pulling you back and forth.

The one in a million chance, to be with the one person- who’s ever been true to you. And you think to yourself for a moment- how do we have this karma? Two souls that only come together once in a blue moon. Two souls that never really need each other to fulfill some job or perceived gender role. Yet two souls that need each other, completely- in spirit.

When you give someone a true piece of your true heart- you never know how it will come back to you. And then sometimes you need them to return the favor. Even if it was never owed.

There is a magic in love when it is true. And so many- they just play the game of letting it go, saying “it can’t be, it couldn’t possibly be this person who is meant for me” Or, “they’re just the one who got away. don’t dwell on it.” Or even worse- “Didn’t you say that person was just bad for you?”

And the truth is, I’ve learned- it’s people who lost the very ones that they loved the most that say things like that. People who are isolated to believing in love as a long term committed relationship that is supposed to meet the standards of the world, and yet are plagued by indecision and emptiness when it comes down to accepting that it’s time to repair thier own.

Marraige doesn’t have to be an empty attatchment, waiting for the right moment to be severed. Relationships don’t have to meet the needs of a demmanding world that will never stop knocking on your door, wanting more, and more, and more. Until you can’t give anymore, until you can’t be anymore, until you have to admit defeat and move on.

I don’t believe that marraige was meant to be two people barely making it together, but when you are barely making it with the person you truly love the world is itself more loving to you. more supportive of your goals, and needs.

The world rejoices and reflects the love that you carry with you. No matter what it is.

And when it is true- it reflects that honesty and authenticity. ❤

And when it’s not authentic, not honest, toxic, entagled in attatchment? The universe reflects that too. Always looking for a way to keep yourself in the pattern, because you are yourself trying to keep everything the same. Afraid of the change.

When love is true- the whole world rejoices and supports. When love is not true- the whole world conflicts, because you are conflicted. The whole world, darkens because you are darkened then by it too.

Affairs are not all that they seem- sometimes they are needed. It’s a sad but true fact. Sometimes an affair is exactly what a couple needs in order to let go of what they simply refuse to admit is not good for them for as human beings, anymore.

Marraige often matures but the people don’t, time passes, but the humans in the marriage simply stay the same believing it will always be ‘this way’ it just has to be ‘this way’, if it were any other way, we wouldn’t know how to be.

But when love is true- it’s not any less difficult, it’s not any less hard, or arduous, it’s not any less consuming, or challenging, at all. Or so I imagine-

It is still just two human beings, figuring out how best to ‘be’ together.

It is still one long conversation checkered by disputes.

It is still one long beautiful journey of two hearts- colliding. becoming one, and becoming themselves.

The only difference is it’s together.


There is no sacred partner that can ‘fix’ their abusive behavior in order to be a better person, so that you can have the partner that you ‘want’ without having to change your choices, and align your heart with what is loving and healthy. 

There is no healthy partner that can fix the fact that your partner is abusive.

There is no healthy partner that can make it all better- a healthy partner makes you healthy, not a completely different person. Just a healthy version of you- because they are already themselves healthy as who they are.

A healthy partner is not going back down, when you insist on staying comfortable.

A healthy partner doesn’t want you to be lost in the comfortability of an abusive situation, that has caused you to disregard your own best instinct.

When love is true- it echoes. It is timeless. And it is never really ending.

I just begins again sometimes if you are lucky.  ❤




<3 ?



Why are men so damn evil sometimes? I almost gave in after over a year of being single, and somehow managing to get the ex issues down to a bare minimum, which was really hard for me. My ex partners, are mostly brutal, kind of horrible deep down really hurtful people that beg you not to leave, then dump you, and then beg you to come back a couple of times atleast, before finally plundering your heart once more.

This time, I was going to be smart- take more time, take it easy.

What are you supposed to do when every guy that likes you is a jerk? I mean a real ass.

I try, I really do, and this as nothing to do with valentines day and everything to do with a horrible ice storm. But it stands to reason, and question yourself when you’re single.

I just got it all together, now is it really worth it to just give up so easily?

This week I got called a racist, I got put down by one ex, and then challenged by another old fling.


I’m gonna put a dime between my knees and hold it for V day. ❤ it sounds way easier.


When it Rains it pours. then freezes then thaws, then refreezes- and then wheels do not work anymore..

reading peoples blogs seems to be my thing today. looking for answers in myself but not finding any fewer reasons to be sad. But maybe hope. Hope is the thing that quenches the heart’s thirst, sometimes.

The second friend died this year. It is both innocent and consuming how these things, just happen. Ed died, from the flu- complications

20170730_163552from arterial sclerosis. at a not old age. at all. My best meadmaker, now gone. His wife still coughing up blood, his son, still sick I am guessing. Everyone grieving.

It happened in a twist of life I couldn’t anticipate. After a year of being single, over a year now- I finally had bit the bullet to give someone a fighting chance at my heart. And it went terribly. A good friend too. He rushed me out like it was nothing, said he thinks there is just something wrong with me and he’s afraid he’s going to hurt me. Then he did. Just like that. It happened so fast, and I was headed home in an ice storm- forced out on to the roads at 2am.

I got home, and I crawled in bed for two days- crying on the floor at this horrible moment, just glad to be safe and warm somewhere worthwhile. watching the snow pile up outside my window.

Two days later, Ed died. It was like I couldn’t even predict it, it just happened. I saw him last year for one day- that last moment, kind of golden. I never made it back to visit the land that season- there were too many car and medical problems.

The next five days went slow and hard. Car not starting, shuffling work around repeatedly. My great new job, sort of temporarily challenged crying tears over my VW in an ice age like meltdown of everything technological for over a week.

And I couldn’t help but think of Ed’s words- to use the work light to get it warm enough to start. To try this or that, he was always helping, someone. somewhere with something. And days after I received this message on my fb, he was gone. 😦 just literally, one last thing he wanted to help with- himself, and then he was just dead.

For days- I wasn’t sure if I’d get through all the delays and the deadlines mounting.

My sister, five days later, moved back home- from being married, she is disabled with a neurological condition and has only the last 3/4th of her brain left but it was enough to catch him cheating and know that he was being abusive to her. So off we went, on my only two days off to move box after box, from county to county.. until it was all done.

And the other woman had the audacity to show up. I was mean. I was terrible. I called him an asshole right to his face unintentionally, he tried to kick us out twice while I put him in his place repeatedly.

I walked right up to her and said- ya except it’s not just somebody else’s stuff you packed it was their marriage- THIER marriage.

But who’s gonna stand up for my sister, even if she can be the biggest bitch in the world- i’d still stand up for her in a heartbeat. ❤ Always have, always will.

So, now it’s just managing how to get her caregivers scheduled up here, and install camera systems everywhere in the house to monitor everything properly. Now, it’s just a pile of boxes everywhere in every room, and in every form- you never knew geods could come in.

I managed to forgive my friend that it didn’t really work out with after the second night of considering being more than friends. Or at least accept that it’s time to stop being mad at him for saying such horrible things, in the middle of an ice storm.

Why are men so horrible?

He told me that he doesn’t think I know him really, but I’ve known him since I was like 16. How could I have forgotten so easily? He gets so damn defensive.

But I learned I guess, now, what it’s like to try to be more than just friends. When you’ve been friends since you were kids, and it just seems natural that you’re both single at the same time after many attempts at getting each other’s attention.

Who knew his wife would become a lesbian in the middle of my divorce 8 years ago, and then his next wife would abysmally cheat on him repeatedly..?

how did this even happen?

Let’s just call him A.

My exhusband hated this guy, because for years he’d just show back up over and over again- kind of intentionally. You could tell every time that he was hoping, really hoping that I’d be single again because he was about to be again.

And then last year he came back into my life. again. out of nowhere really.

I’ve turned this guy down more times than maybe any guy in history. But he still tries. I kind of love the fact that he can’t help it- it’s just who he is. It’s sweet, at first….



All Accounts Hacked

Hey just letting anybody know who reads, that all of my accounts were hacked this week within the last 24 hours, and I have no idea how long they were logged in.

Please stand by, while I reset everything properly. Will be back on in a few weeks with some better news I hope!


Late Comebacks

What I meant to say was-

how dare you try to take my men?


They are all fuckaholics, alcoholics, half-wits,

and they aren’t very good at cheating either.

But they do it, a lot.


Well, I suppose if you insist- you can have one.

But I’m warning you-

take off your shoes and get ready-

to stand in the kitchen. never having children.

don’t worry he loves bologna, with American cheese.

and when he farts under the covers at 2am-you’ll understand.


Would you like the one that tried to kill me and himself,

or the one that tried to drown himself in rum?

there is quite a selection here you realize.

They are all well aged, and vintage.

We have Sweet, and sour-

dark and mysterious,

or for the adventurous-

confused. pickled, and loves fetishes.


Ode to the jealous, narcissistic woman-

who can’t help but want what you have,

a life that looks better than theirs,

though a life of thier own would help.


I can’t be sure, but based on these rules

which I did not invent-

If I start dating myself,

she may become a lesbian.










I can still feel it-

the pang, sometimes takes me back.

The way it was just so effortlessly persuaded.

The way nobody questioned it, not one single person.

Well not to my face. at least. or theirs.


How can someone with so much goodness,

tear another’s life apart so seamlessly?

That’s real jealousy.


Like a hissy fit, once thrown in a store

over the things, parents have to say-

like the big N-O.

Little girls do not grow up to be dolls,

little girls do not grow up to become their own barbies,

girls do not become women, not quite yet-

until they’ve faced their own jealousy, their own darkness-

the self-righteousness of the soul, the ego, the id.


Jealousy is only the natural reaction to the word NO,

you can’t have it,

it’s not yours,

we can’t bend every rule-

not for your whole life dear.


Jealousy is the mask, of the girl, who always has a new doll.

The girl who never had to accept no,

and now cannot overcome no either.

It is deep down, the fear-

the slow building of resentment,

the quick growing panic-

the world will not bend to her will anymore.





Photo Blog: When to Interfere.



Every tarot card reading, ever done, probably anywhere for all of time. 🙂


Healing the Chalice (photo blog)


Shifting of the tides- the well over flows. This is the new faucet after 50 years of changes- not quite the old pipe sticking out of the ground that it once was. Still beautiful.


Amazingly clear waters from the adjacent water table. 🙂


A magical journey to healing the waters- is marked by the beauty of the sun reflecting. No changes were made to these photos- at all- and I took them on my phone. Pretty awesome reflections today, quite literally dazzling!



This I imagine is where all the water undines probably are hiding, it is thier magical portal to the artesian well- not far below these stones. 🙂 Again, without any edits made to the photo-I just got lucky today!





For plants and warm mornings…

for spirit and friendship…

For coffee in bed…

for mushrooms just because but maybe don’t eat those…

For waffles, usually home made…the poor way is much cooler…

and for love….

And chocolate always. ❤ 😉